An old flame came to town this week, and we hooked up again. It’s kicked up some stuff about A, but generally, I feel really good for th encounter. I will try and write about it later today.

But right now I wanted to get down the details of a weird and distrubing dream I had last night, which I don’t understand at all:

The dream ended with this very pale woman – pale skin, hair, clothes – lying flat on a jetty. She was dying but still alive, and I had started to fillet her, all the while chatting away at her, oblivious to the fact that what I was doing to her must have been painful… and then this strange, stern older man came up with a knife and, without words, made me understand that I had to kill her quickly, to put her out of her misery. I looked at her face, and she said, grimacing with the pain ‘I’ve been a good (something – I missed this word) to you. Let me go.’, and I nodded at the man, and he slit her throat. It was horrible.

I don’t know who the woman was. Was it me? A part of me? Was it A? Was it the old flame (T)? Why was I going to eat her? Why was I oblivious to her pain?

Clearly, this was about talking with A last night, and realising it’s just not worth the effort to try and keep in contact with her. We may love each other but we don’t like each other, and we don’t have anything in common. So what would be the point? I think my dream, with all that water (emotion) rushing around me, was about that. That I wasn’t scared when I realised I was going to be taken along with the water (esp considering my phobia about drowning) reflects my ‘fuck it, I’m sending this email’, which I did yesterday – not sending it to try and elicit some response, but rather just saying ‘you know what, this is how I feel – deal with it however you want, I just have to say it’. The fact that I got thrown clear of the crushing flow, I think, is about me finally letting go. And the bit at the start, when I realised I had come the wrong way, but kept going anyway – didn’t turn back, that was how it was at several points in our relationship – I realised it was wrong for me, but I kept going anyway, sort of for the adventure. I think the dream was therefore also reflecting my solid acknowledgement of my agreement to go along with all the shit. Not that that excuses A for her part, but I was complicit too.

It was a good dream.

I dunno, I just feel shit.

The A thing: well, I’ve returned to walking around campus with my eyes on the ground in front of me, not scanning, so that I am less likely to see her. It’s working well.

The highlight this week was that on Wednesday, I had an old flame (T) get in touch with me. The last time I contacted her, she told me she didnt want me in her life anymore. I’m pretty sure I posted about it. It was devastating to realise I’d hurt someone that much. Anyway, she got in touch this week, said she was sorry for the way she spoke to me, and we’ve started emailing again. It’s very exciting. She’s a lovely person, and I had quite some crush, but things were complicated, and it turned hideous in the end, not so much because of what she or I did, but rather what a third party did. The sex was amazing, too. So anyway, it’s nice to be able to email with her, and she is coming to my city next month, so we can catch up then. I’m hoping for some romance, too (well, sex at least) – both of us have said (just in general conversation) that we’re not ready for a relationship. If it feels when I see her that we can both really handle just a one-off tryst, then that would be great. But I’m not going to encourage it if it feels like either or both of us will get messed up by it. It’s not worth that. But it would be nice, and it seems, from the emails, that she is thinking the same way.

So T getting in touch has really perked me up. I feel way better about everything. Well, not about my thesis, but it has given me something pleasant to think about in between moments of thesis stress. And that’s, I suspect, as good as the thesis stuff is going to get at this point.

I think it’s perked me up so much because (a) it’s good to feel I’ve been forgiven for my appalling behaviour previously; (b) it is lovely to have T in my life again; and (c) it is always nice to have someone around who thinks you’re hot and sexy. This last point, I know, is an indication of seeking external validation to compensate for a lack of self esteem. An old pattern of mine that I’ve been trying to break since late last year. I know that. But I think perhaps a little bit is OK. I mean, it’s not like I felt awful about myself until I heard from her, I just feel a bit… boosted… my the contact. I think that’s OK, but I will watch it. I don’t ever want to be needy in that way again.

Obviously, it pissed me off. It’s bad enough I have to dodge her at work all the time, without having to dodge her in my own neighbourhood. But the truth is, I was mostly pissed because she looked happy – laughing, etc. And the very very ugly truth about the way I feel towards her is… I don’t want her to be happy. I know that is horrible. But the point of this blog is that you don’t know who I am, so I can say stuff here that I am ashamed of, and it doesn’t matter. So now I’ve said it. I’m a bad person, I know.

Sometimes I feel above all this. Sometimes I go for days without thinking about her – especially when I’m making good progress on my thesis – then I forget all about her, and it’s bliss, it really is. I feel strong, and powerful, and in control of my life, and I feel like, even though I really don’t know what is going to happen, or even what I want to have happen in my life, that it’s going to be OK. And then other times, I just feel shit, and I want to tell her that I hate her, although I would no doubt regret it if I did.

Sigh. It’s times like these that I want to run away. I really hate my thesis, but once it’s done, there will be the void that I spoke about in my last post, and that scares me. I don’t know what I want to do/happen, where I want to be, who I want to have in my life… all I know is, I am not happy and fulfilled as things stand. Part of that is the thesis. I NEED CLOSURE ON IT ASAP! And I HATE it. So sick of it. But part of it is… I dunno. I guess I’ve realised this life is not fulfilling (although, thesis aside, it is usually comfortable), but I don’t know what would be. I’m so tired and weighed down right now, with the thesis, that I guess I can’t think about anything new and fresh, and I need to just let it be for awhile longer, but it’s so hard. I feel stuck and I truly think I just need to stay stuck for awhile, until the thesis is finished. But it’s hard to live with this dissatisfaction, fear, discomfort and frustration for all these months. I want it to stop. I want to move on, but I don’t know where to.

What I don’t feel OK about is my thesis. And my loneliness. And I’ve just sort of realised that when my thesis ends, the loneliness is going to feel even bigger. My thesis is my fulltime partner at present, and while I’m sick of it, it will be a real shock when it’s not here. And I already know that I have nothing to fill its place. No girlfriend, no best friend, no job. Nothing, which is pretty scary.

I have set up a course to do online, when I can bear the thought of more intellectual work. I have a therapist lined up in case I need her. But that won’t help when I’m sitting here alone and the emptiness hits me for the first time. I guess I will come on here, and write it out. I guess it’s the only thing to do.

I don’t want to start obsessing over A again. She’s not worth it. I don’t want to allow enough space for that to happen.

Maybe I need to identify a new great author, and work through their catalogue.

But really, I think the reason I am crying as I write this is also because, while I am lonely, I really just can’t imagine myself in a relationship again. I just don’t trust it. I don’t trust myself not to get caught up again in codependence. And I don’t trust someone to remain faithful to me in a non-codependent relationship. I don’t understand how to negotiate and get monogamy in this culture. It seems so much more complicated these days. People seem to think monogamy is unreasonable, but I can’t deal with anything else. I’ve tried, and it’s almost killed me more than once. I can’t do it.

And I don’t know what a committed, monogamous relationship looks like if it’s not codependent. I can’t even imagine it, what it looks like or how you achieve it.

Once the thesis is done, I just know these issues are going to loom large again, become crazily overwhelming. I am lonely now, when I barely have any time to think about anything other than the thesis. When it’s gone… I’m not sure how to cope.

I’ve lost so many ‘lives’ in the past few years. I gave up my safety and security and went bravely forth into the world. I tried lots of things, none of which suited. And now here I am, no safety, no security, no money, no job, no girlfriend, no best friend and almost no friends. At one level it feels freeing. At another, it’s terrifying.

I’m scared and lonely. I don’t know how to fix it.

There is more, of course, much, much more, and much, much bigger stuff, but the content isn’t important here. The thing that is important is why it is upsetting me so much.

Firstly, it is simply frustrating when you say, ’yes, I can help you with that, if you do this’, and then have them do the opposite of what you need, but still expect you to help them, and act exhasperated when say you still need them to do the original thing that you asked for. 

Secondly, it has become apparent that my mother, although being the one who is physically in this country, is not actually doing the difficult work which it is her responsibility to do. Instead, my father, who is 65 and has multiple health issues, is sitting up half the night after a very full and long day of his own work, so that he can call this timezone – the timezone my mother is actually in currently – to arrange everything for her. In short, she is still shirking her responsibilities.

How does this all affect me? Well, in short, I strongly suspect they are expecting me to step in and finish all this legal/financial stuff off when they tire of sorting it out, despite me stating V E R Y  C L E A R L Y  AND  R E P E A T E D L Y that I WILL NOT PARTICIPATE IN THIS.

So I guess the reason I have flipped out a bit is because I fear that they are going to dump all this legal/financial crap onto me. This is frightening because:

• I don’t have time to do it
• I WILL refuse to deal with it if the time comes, and that will cause a MASSIVE family row, but it is a stand I have to make, for my own integrity
• It is more of the same old pattern – of mum and dad expecting me to be the grown up and clean up their childish mess. It is irritating to be dealing with this again, although hopefully, when I stand firm against them, it will be the last time

Plus, I had a really shit meeting with my supervisor today, and I’m very tired.

And… well, I guess after Monday and Tuesday had gone so well… Well, I guess I started to get my hopes up that things would stay OK, even though I knew it was unlikely. I did what I was trying so hard not to do – I developed some expectations, some hopes, and hence the disappointment when they are not met.

Alright, so this has happened. I am sticking to my guns. I will do what I have said I will do, and nothing more.

I will try to be more vigilant about not developing expectations about my parents.

I will remind myself, endlessly if needed, that if this whole situation becomes a nightmare, it is their nightmare, not mine. I have a thesis to finish. That is my priority. I owe them nothing.

I am so, so tired. I’m going to bed. ‘Night.

I realise it’s early days, and that the most problematic times are yet to come. When I see her next – probably on the weekend – she will have spent at least four days with her own mother, which is where all this trouble first began. I will keep phone contact between now and then, try to give her an anchor in reality, and I will try to arrange time for her away from her mother next weekend. But still, four days is a long time to be 24/7 in that woman’s presence. It will be a real test. I’m not letting my guard down yet.

For example, recently I was invited to two parties on the one night. I ought to have gone to both, as they were birthday parties for people who are important to me. But, on the day I had a crushing depression, and the thought of going to either – let alone both – just filled me with dread. I pondered my options all day – should I go to one, and lie to the other person? What should I say? By the time the evening came, I had realised I simply couldn’t go to either, as I was too depressed and just needed a night by myself (I should let you know that neither party was small – I thought would barely be missed). I thought about what to tell them both. I had a lot of potential, semi-real excuses available. I decided to tell the truth. Both hosts said they totally understood, that they hoped I felt better soon, and then checked in with me later to make sure I was OK. I was astonished at the calmness and understanding which my truth evoked. Neither was hurt, they simply understood.

I just had a similar event happen – a friend contacted me to say he had met someone he thought I might be interested in, and gave me her number – had asked her if she was interested, set it up, etc… Then he sent a photo, and she is totally not my type at all. Beautiful, but pretty much the opposite of ‘my type’. So, I told him. I said, thanks for thinking of me, and she looks lovely, and we might get along as friends, but she is completely the opposite of my type, and she simply wouldn’t get my pulse racing. I would hate to lead her on. I was a bit nervous about what he would say to that – I thought he might call me shallow, or try to convince me to go on a date anyway. But he simply replied saying he totally understood, that he would just tell her I wasn’t in a position to date anyone right now (which is actually true anyway, with the thesis and everything).

I think the key is, to listen to my intuition about what’s right for me, to speak my truth, but to do it with kindness. People then seem to take it as intended.

Anyway, mum arrived this morning, and everything has been fine. Granted, she has been in a good mood, and granted, she had a big sleep this afternoon so I got to have some time to myself. But my interactions with her have been fine. I seem to have easily slipped into a role where I am simply her audience, commenting benignly when it’s expected, but mostly just letting her get on with whatever she wants to say. I don’t think there have been any rants as yet… or if there have, I haven’t noticed them. I must admit that a few times I sort of blanked out and didn’t hear what she said, but she didn’t appear to notice.

Tomorrow is likely to be more of a challenge – I will have to spend around an hour with her and my grandmother – both of them together. They tend to egg each other on, so ranting is highly likely. I will try to remain out of it. If that’s how they choose to spend their lives – uptight and ranting – then that’s their choice. I will only intervene if the likely outcome of their ranting will mean a large practical headache for me. Otherwise, I will leave them to it.

In fact, tonight at dinner she told some stories from my childhood – ones that were fairly damaging (I can’t recall which ones they were now, but they were moderately damaging ones) – and as usual, she told them like they were the funniest thing in the world, and she ended with “Hahaha, I know I’m responsible for all my childrens’ issues, but I don’t care! Hahahaha!”. I just let it go by without a flinch. To the extent that I can’t even remember which stories they were (although from the look my friend gave me, she will remember – she looked horrified). I think I did well there – there is no point telling her how damaging those events were, because she truly doesn’t care, she couldn’t deal with the guilt if she did care, it’s in the past, and she has made it very very clear that she has no intention of ever dealing with anything in a better manner. So, given all that, if I’ve found a way for it not to bother me, then I think that’s a positive step.

But tomorrow is another day. Wish me luck.